Irene Adler: The Madness That Consumes The Ka
by Eogrus
Summary: Irene Adler finds herself slighted by Sherlock, so she has her revenge!


One day, Irene Adler was very MAD! She hated Sherlock because he uncovered her scheme to sexually enslave pinoy children in the Gatwick Airport and got her ten thousand years of jail time, which she narrowly avoided by licking off a nigerian crime lord's cancerous, seaweed-covered eardrums and nostrils of hatred and neo-descartian existentialism.

She was now hiding in Iraq, and she disliked it very much because everyone was muslim and she was a brittish woman of anglican distaste. She was residing in an abandoned Zoroastrian temple after she and her goons decapitated the priests and made black pudding from their flesh.

"GRRR Sherlock I will destroy you and burn your flesh in a pyre of hellish flames from the souls I ever so thamaturgically destroyed!" roared Irene as she smashed the defleshed priest bones with her high heels.

She then picked a water bowl and filled it with tap water, and placed it on a shrine in the temple, scratching the Ahura Mazda figurines with her cow-dung encrusted nails. She then took out an electric lamp and lit it above the water.

"Hail Anubis, Pharaoh of the Underworld! Let the darkness depart! Bring the light to me in bowl-enquiry... let the one whose face is bent down over the bowl flourish until the gods come in and tell me an answer concerning my question, about which I am enquiring here today, truly, without false-hood, immediately! Go forth at once, Anubis! Bring to me the gods of this city and the god who gives an answer today!"

Then the bowl began glowing with golden light, and Irene rejoiced.

"Hail, O Light! Come forth, come forth, O Light!"

Then, with a thunderous roar and the shaking of the temple, Anubis appeared.

"Who is it that summons the god of Cynopolis, the son of Nephthys, the embalmer of the dead!?" said Anubis godly.

"It is I, Irene the dementia pussied! Fetch me the great gods to which I offer my blood every sunrise and every sunset!"

Anubis grunted, he much disliked that hateful women of high heels, but he did as told. He disappeared again in the bowl, and returned with Set, Sekhmet, Osiris, Ra, Thoth, Isis and Sobek.

"Why have you summoned us, mortal?" asked Osiris deadly and ressurectingly.

"Yes, why have you summoned us HERE!?" roared Sekhmet meanly, releasing hordes of demons that infested the nearby town and created epidemics and plagues that lashed across the country.

"Oh great Netjeru, there is the hateful man Sherlock and his filthy boarish lackey the Watson which provoke great squalor upon my decaying and maggot infested uterus! They have driven me from my land, and they have taken my possessions, and desecrated my home, and devoured my pets with much pleasure! They are servants of Apep and have a lot of isfet in their testes!"

"That is most wicked and twisted indeed!" said Thoth with much pity in his ibis bill of probation and copernian lobotomies of pus.

"I dislike the hateful Sherlock myself a lot as well" said Ra with his UV radiation filled voice, "He always secretly sacrifices children to Apep so that rain and hail cover the land of England in frightful storms!"

"Indeed, and he tries to murder our followers!" said Isis with much disdain, "Irene, you have made powerful allies in your war against the madman Holmes!"

Anubis wanted to protest, he knew that Irene was lying and that it was SHE who sacrificed children to Apophis, but Set and Sekhmet put their filthy hands on his snout because they liked chaos and destruction, and disliked Sherlock as well because he burned books of egyptology that had icons of them. So Sobek took Irene's hand and they all entered the bowl, landing on Ra's boat. Irene landed on her face, breaking her nose and jaws and dislodging her incivors, but Isis healed her. The bark travelled through Du'at in a dream-like vortex, and within a few minutes they returned to the physical world, now in London.

"Now, we shall each bless you with a power to kill Holmes!" said Osiris.

"We could just slaughter him as he sleeps!" protested Irene poutedly (but not too much because she didn't wanted to be cursed instead).

"Indeed, but his residence is empowered by ancient and evil symbols that prevent the gods from entering" said Thoth sadly, "but that you can circumvent because you're mortal."

"So, without further ado, let us bless you!" said Sekhmet evilly and with sadism in her throat.

And, after, they vanished in a blinding light, melting off the eyes of a good chunk of London. Irene smirked evilly, she was going to enjoy destroying that pitiful yet arousive Sherlock with much hatred in her vulva. She used Sobek's power and flooded the Thames into London, drowning thousands of people within their own vehicles and homes as the waters cleansed the streets of the miasma that is human impurity. She danced and pranced in the column of water like a twisted dementia mermaid of sordid carcinoma facial furuncles and seashell bras carved from human bones, throwing jets of water to destroy buildings in her path. She then used Sekhmet's power to infuse the water with mosquittoes full of malaria and avian cholera, that bit the survivors.

Sherlock was looking in the fridge. He and Watson were residing in an apartment in lower Bexley because their last case ensured a mass backlash from rastafarian mobs that destroyed their homes and killed everyone in the neighborhood. Now they had to make due with an old, soggy, swampy, mouldy apartment that belonged to a friend of Dimmock that lost it to him in a game of Kaijudo. Turns out said friend didn't lose that much, Sherlock had noted bitterly.

"Watson, go get the groceries!" said Sherlock angrily, he didn't had anything in the fridge and Watson might as well be of use, he hadn't lifted one onychomycosis infested finger since they got there.

Watson grunted, he hated having to do anything anymore. Ever since they got there he had been subjected to severe disease, his face of full of bloody, dark purple postules, his gums were covered in abcesses oozing putrid green pus, his flesh was so full of tumours that he looked even fatter than before. With great effort and a large menacing lead cane with a skull on it, he got off his armchair and walked towards the door. As soon as he opened it, a flash of light appeared, making Watson's eyes explode and his body to fall on his back, breaking his spine and rendering him paraplegic.

"Sherlock, I have a very special message to deliver!" said Anubis wisely.

"Get out of my house hippie!" said Sherlock, he didn't know he was speaking to GOD!

"No, you do not understand! Irene is heading this was and anihilating everything in her path!"

"That's it, I'm going to call Dimmock to handle your furry arse!" said Sherlock, tipping on his cellphone.

But suddenly they heard a thundering noise in the distance, and he went to the news channel to investigate.

"In a haunting display of nature's raw power, most of London now lies under the Thames" said the evil and unreasonably whorish voice of the reporter, "Witnesses report that this sudden flooding is being caused by a woman that authorithies have identified with the criminal psychopath Irene Adler, but regardless of who caused it as much as 70% of London's population is now dead, with millions of casualties now floating as bloated corpses in the river water [images of said carnage on screen]."

Sherlock turned off his mobile in shock. He was very frightened, Irene was coming to kill him and desecrate his corpse just like he did to her hamsters, and there was no way he'd be able to escape in time from her wrath. He dragged Watson's moaning, pained body to the door and went to grab some screws and nails.

"What're you doing?" asked Watson, he heard the metallic sounds because his blindness gave him better hearing.

"I'm going to prevent that foul wretched wench from killing me, and YOU will buy me some time..."

And then he grabbed Watson by the shoulders and made him stand up, with a pair of canes installed to hold him in place. He then took his right hand and nailed it to the wall!

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH YOU SHITTY HOLMES WHY YOU DO THAT!?"

"You will be my blockade against Irene, when she comes throwing water everywhere you're going to hold her off with your fat body!"

"That's inhumane Holmes!" cried Watson pettily in pain as his carcinogenic palm was pierced by nails and united against the filthy, mould covered walls, but there was nothing he could do in his paraplegics.

But just then the walls exploded with a mass burst of water, that threw Holmes against the fridge and pushed Watson around, the sheer forced freeing him from his semi-crucifixion, at the expense of his right hand, utterly ripped off in a bloody shower, exposing his metacarpals. Irene had arrived!

"Pitiful as always, Holmes. You shall pay dearly for your infectious unkindness against my cardinal sins!"

And before he could protest, she used Ra's power and made a burst of golden light rays that burned off his crotch, setting it on fire and melting his genitalia as black bloody paste that oozed off. She then used used Sekhmet's power and decayed his flesh nigh instantly with a Bacteroides fragilis infection, only to regenerate it again with Osiris' power.

"As you can see, I have you completely under my mercy. I shall bring you pain and DEATH like you've never imagined!"

And so Irene used Thoth's power and made Sherlock relieve his worst memories, used Set's power to set his flesh on fire, used Isis' power to make vines grow out of his lungs and used Sekhmet's power again to eject his nails from his flesh. She made tumours grow on his urethra, made his tooth sockets constrict so hard that the teeth were erupted, made his retinas fall off and inserted them on his rectum and made his ear cannals colapse upon themselves. She fired all his nerve endings to cause him intense agony, and inserted memories of childhood rape in order to traumatize him into submission. She made him intensely phobic to all things she could think off, and waterboarded his lungs with his own pus.

After several hours of torture, footsteps were heard.

"Hey Holmes, I've come to warn you to be careful because Irene's on the loose... oh" said Dimmock, noting too late his folly.

Holmes was virtually irecognisable, he was an amorphous blob of cancerous flesh with his eyes, nose, ears and mouth located at different extremities of his body. He moaned painfully in abstract and neverending torment, a pot of hellish clay to be molded to Irene's whims. She fashioned him into a pot made of flesh, the eyes on each handle and the mouth in the center.

"How ironic, Holmes, that you find yourself POTTED in this foul end of your career!" cackled Irene meanly and bitchely, not paying attention to Dimmock.

And, as such, that was her end, for when a mad one craves power they forsake the peripheral senses that create the vigilance of being. Dimmock picked his swiss knife and took out the most serrated blade he could find and inserted it on her brain, obliterating the back of her brain and thus her vision, disabling her.

"GODS, APEP HAS CONSUMED MY EYES! GRANT ME SIGHT SO THAT THE DARKNESS OF KUK DIES IN THE METEMPSYCHOTIC EMBRACE OF AEONS LONG PAST!"

"Do you not remember, Irene?" said Anubis crudely, "The gods cannot enter, for this apartment is full of evil symbols. For your prayers to be heard, you most destroy them."

"FUCK YOU ANUBISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

And Dimmock decapitated her, terminating Irene the despicably epicurian's life for once and for all, flushing her head down the toilet, clugging the pipes and makiing them burst in a shower of turd and chicken bones.

"Jesus, what the hell do you eat" said hatefully Dimmock, he much disliked the elephant intestine scent that blocked his nostrils.

Alas, no response. Holmes was now dead, a decaying puddle on the ground with his icy blue eyes floating on the blood, while Watson had perished hours ago from a Naegleria fowleri infection that he acquired when Holmes' nasal mucus was mixed with the wall mould and thrown at his face. Only Dimmock and Anubis remained alive in the building.

"Care to go for indian cuisine?" Dimmock asked sensually, rubbing his hands on his crotch.

Anubis shrugged, and the two went off, holding hands in the flooded remains of what was then recently London.


End file.
